Heres
the thing: I DON’T want to quit. And
any smoker who has previously tried (and failed) to quit doesn’t want to either. If they say that they do
– they are mother fucking liars.
Lets see. Do you want to embark
on a journey with me? During this trip you will have to stop doing something
that you’ve done many many times a day for years and years. You will shift from
an angry, spitting rage to uncontrollable tears multiple times a day. You will feel mean and nasty,
and you will likely make others cry as well. You will be miserable. You will
hate your life. You will feel like gnawing your own goddamn arm off. You’ll
probably get fat. I don’t know when this
trip will end, or really if it will
end. But in theory, you’ll be healthier and have a little bit more money when
[if] its all over. So, wanna come? No? Really?!
Yea – neither do I.
Now, none of this applies to you
fuckers who are all “Oh, I smoked for 30 years. Just put them down one day.
Never looked back.” Fuck you. You are a unicorn. I hate you. (Not really)(Yes
really).
But for those of us normal
people who have gone through the misery and hell of quitting for days, weeks,
months, even years, only to give in and start smoking again? We DO NOT want to
quit. We know what we’re in for.
We want to be free of
cigarettes, yes, but we would give damn near anything to be able to be free
without the horrible process of it all. The whole “You have to want to” thing
is a bit flawed.
I tried Chantix once. That may
have worked. But I’ll never know. I found out about my [ex]husband’s [first]
affair during the first week of no smoking. So “Fuck you. Fuck these pills.
Give me a fucking cigarette.” I tried cold turkey, too. I made it 6 weeks,
fighting the urge all day every day. I gained 10 pounds. And then my
[ex]step-father beat the hell out of my mom. “Fuck you. Give me a fucking
cigarette.” I’m kinda afraid to quit again – given the horrible shit happening
pattern.
And yea, yea, I know, I know; the
cigarettes don’t prevent the horrible shit and the shit isn’t any less horrible
with a cigarette in my hand. But addiction isn’t logical and horrible shit
seems much more horrible without the crutch that I’ve leaned on for the last 17
years.
I’m afraid of failing again. I’m
afraid of gaining a lot of weight. I’m afraid of not having the “I need a
cigarette” excuse to step out of a social situation and pull my shit together
during a panic attack. Mostly though, I’m afraid of the “I want a cigarette and
can’t have one and I hate life” misery never ever going away. Just writing this
is making my skin crawl. In 6 weeks of smoking it didn’t go away. I’ve talked
to people who’ve been quit 20 years and still fight the urge every single day.
That shit scares me.
But I don’t want to die
miserably. I don’t want yellow teeth and stinky clothes. I don’t want to crawl
out of my skin every time I see a no smoking sign. I don’t want to be dependent. I do want the money that I literally blow everyday to stay in my
pocket. I do want to be able to wrestle around with my kids and not have to
stop because I can’t breathe. I do want cardio to be a part of my gym routine
without having a heart attack on the elliptical. And I do want to be a good
example for BabyDoll, instead of a bad one.
Can’t afford the pills, don’t
have the strength to cold turkey again, so I’ve come up with a plan of my own.
My problem is that I enjoy smoking. Its part of my relaxation routine.
So Step 1: For 2 weeks (or so)
Stop smoking in the house or the car. Not only will this give me less
opportunity to smoke, it will make it less convenient and a fuck ton less
enjoyable since its – 10 degrees outside currently. It will help me stop
associating smoking with nice, pleasant and relaxing feelings and start seeing it as a pain in the ass. Changing the habits and the connections and the
triggers,
Step 2: After 2 weeks (or so) of
step 1, see how many I’m smoking a day. Right now I’m at a little over a pack.
Wherever I am at in 2 weeks, I will reduce that amount. I’m thinking of only
keeping the hard ones. First one of the day, after dinner one, etc. Do this for
2 weeks (or so).
Step 3: Take out one of the
remaining cigarettes at a time until there's none left.
Its not a perfect plan, I’m
sure. I’m not completely confident I can pull it off either. But I’m gonna try
dammit. I will journal my way through this process and share with you my exact
thoughts every few days. Wish me luck?
This is awesome. Just flipping awesome. Wishing you major luck!
ReplyDeleteGood luck, sweetie! I'm going through this stupid process too. I'm down to 2 real cigs and a couple of drags of an e-cig per day.
ReplyDeleteGood Job, Love! Keep it up!
DeleteGood luck. I used the patch (same cost as cigarette really ) and quit in 2005. Now i think they stink and would rather chew my arm than be around them.. it is possible
ReplyDeleteSee! These are the comments us quitters need! Not the "I still want one every day 20 years later" shit. Thank you so much <3
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