Friday, January 3, 2014

Diary of a Quitter; Intro

             Heres the thing: I DON’T want to quit. And any smoker who has previously tried (and failed) to quit doesn’t want to either. If they say that they do – they are mother fucking liars.

Lets see. Do you want to embark on a journey with me? During this trip you will have to stop doing something that you’ve done many many times a day for years and years. You will shift from an angry, spitting rage to uncontrollable tears multiple times a day. You will feel mean and nasty, and you will likely make others cry as well. You will be miserable. You will hate your life. You will feel like gnawing your own goddamn arm off. You’ll probably get fat.  I don’t know when this trip will end, or really if it will end. But in theory, you’ll be healthier and have a little bit more money when [if] its all over. So, wanna come? No? Really?!        

Yea – neither do I.

Now, none of this applies to you fuckers who are all “Oh, I smoked for 30 years. Just put them down one day. Never looked back.” Fuck you. You are a unicorn. I hate you. (Not really)(Yes really).

But for those of us normal people who have gone through the misery and hell of quitting for days, weeks, months, even years, only to give in and start smoking again? We DO NOT want to quit. We know what we’re in for.

We want to be free of cigarettes, yes, but we would give damn near anything to be able to be free without the horrible process of it all. The whole “You have to want to” thing is a bit flawed.

I tried Chantix once. That may have worked. But I’ll never know. I found out about my [ex]husband’s [first] affair during the first week of no smoking. So “Fuck you. Fuck these pills. Give me a fucking cigarette.” I tried cold turkey, too. I made it 6 weeks, fighting the urge all day every day. I gained 10 pounds. And then my [ex]step-father beat the hell out of my mom. “Fuck you. Give me a fucking cigarette.” I’m kinda afraid to quit again – given the horrible shit happening pattern.

And yea, yea, I know, I know; the cigarettes don’t prevent the horrible shit and the shit isn’t any less horrible with a cigarette in my hand. But addiction isn’t logical and horrible shit seems much more horrible without the crutch that I’ve leaned on for the last 17 years.

I’m afraid of failing again. I’m afraid of gaining a lot of weight. I’m afraid of not having the “I need a cigarette” excuse to step out of a social situation and pull my shit together during a panic attack. Mostly though, I’m afraid of the “I want a cigarette and can’t have one and I hate life” misery never ever going away. Just writing this is making my skin crawl. In 6 weeks of smoking it didn’t go away. I’ve talked to people who’ve been quit 20 years and still fight the urge every single day. That shit scares me.

But I don’t want to die miserably. I don’t want yellow teeth and stinky clothes. I don’t want to crawl out of my skin every time I see a no smoking sign. I don’t want to be dependent. I do want the money that I literally blow everyday to stay in my pocket. I do want to be able to wrestle around with my kids and not have to stop because I can’t breathe. I do want cardio to be a part of my gym routine without having a heart attack on the elliptical. And I do want to be a good example for BabyDoll, instead of a bad one.

Can’t afford the pills, don’t have the strength to cold turkey again, so I’ve come up with a plan of my own. My problem is that I enjoy smoking. Its part of my relaxation routine. 

So Step 1: For 2 weeks (or so) Stop smoking in the house or the car. Not only will this give me less opportunity to smoke, it will make it less convenient and a fuck ton less enjoyable since its – 10 degrees outside currently. It will help me stop associating smoking with nice, pleasant and relaxing feelings and start seeing it as a pain in the ass. Changing the habits and the connections and the triggers,
Step 2: After 2 weeks (or so) of step 1, see how many I’m smoking a day. Right now I’m at a little over a pack. Wherever I am at in 2 weeks, I will reduce that amount. I’m thinking of only keeping the hard ones. First one of the day, after dinner one, etc. Do this for 2 weeks (or so).
Step 3: Take out one of the remaining cigarettes at a time until there's none left.

Its not a perfect plan, I’m sure. I’m not completely confident I can pull it off either. But I’m gonna try dammit. I will journal my way through this process and share with you my exact thoughts every few days. Wish me luck?


  1. This is awesome. Just flipping awesome. Wishing you major luck!

  2. Good luck, sweetie! I'm going through this stupid process too. I'm down to 2 real cigs and a couple of drags of an e-cig per day.

  3. Good luck. I used the patch (same cost as cigarette really ) and quit in 2005. Now i think they stink and would rather chew my arm than be around them.. it is possible

    1. See! These are the comments us quitters need! Not the "I still want one every day 20 years later" shit. Thank you so much <3