Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

     Hey Big guy! Hope you and the Mrs are doing well, and that you're all ready to get your butt in that sleigh and bring joy and happiness to the entire world in a few weeks. Here's my list this year. Shouldn't be too hard for you, thought I'd keep it simple.

1. I won't ask for a million dollars. That would be greedy. I only ask that you add up our monthly bills, plus a bit of a cushion of course, and give me double that amount each month. I reeeeally don't want to work anymore. Oh, and could you deliver that weekly? Just send a reindeer to bring it or something.

2. Forever's worth of a meal planning list, that will keep my low carb fiance and picky as hell 9 year old happy. I don't mind doing the shopping or cooking the meal, just tell me what to make. And if "I don't care" is on there even ONE time I'm turning the fireplace up.

3. Could you have the elves whip me up some sort of a magic pill or drink or potion or something, with their elf magic, that will make me quit smoking? Without feeling itchy and twitchy and bitchy indefinitely, and without getting fat or killing people. Please.

4. While they're at it, I need a clone too. So someone can do homework and dishes and drive to dance. And I can nap.

5. A nap.

7. ALL THE SHOES From Iron Fist.

8. My next tattoo.

9. Boobs. Large B/small C please.

10. An unending supply of smart, witty and entertaining shit to share on my blog and my facebook, these people deserve to be entertained dammit. 

11. A new president. One who isn't a complete moron and doesn't fuck shit up like its his job.

12. Oh, and world peace and the end to hunger and poverty a world where intelligence is idolized more than photoshop "beauty."

     Thanks dude. What? Of course I've been good enough to get all this stuff! I mean, yea I called the lady in Walmart an asshole - but I didn't hit her! And she was an asshole! I got the "Worst mom ever award" this year - that should count for something! And, and, and - I have more than 250 likes on my facebook page! What? No, The Fiance doesn't know about the page. Nope. Not the blog either. Its not dishonest. I'm just a private person... Yes, I ate BabyDoll's Halloween candy, but only the Butterfingers... All right! Enough. Damn.

PS - I need a new vacuum cleaner, too. All the fucking Orbeez you brought last year broke mine.

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