I turned 30 this past
March. 20 was hard for me. The thought
of not being a teenager sent me into a state of panic for some reason. But 30?
Eh. It was just kinda like “Really? I’m fucking 30 already? Wow.” Little did I
know, 30 means change. Big change. Some things about 30 seriously suck, but
others are pretty amazing. Here’s my take on it, based on my experience, and
that of many others in my life.
Why 30 Sucks: You absolutely cannot understand at least
half of the shit that teenagers say
My
little sister said to me today “Oh em gee! It was totes adorbs! I could, like,
legit, DIE!” What in the actual fuck does any of that even mean? Seriously? I’m
pretty sure that I just looked at her the same way a puppy looks at you when
you tell him that peeing on the rug is bad. You know; eyes wide, brow furrowed,
head tilting further and further to the side and a blank stare.
Why 30 Rocks: You absolutely cannot understand at least
half of the shit that teenagers say
Which means that you cannot
talk like them; therefore cannot sound as completely fucking brain dead as they
do. I told my sister that I was going to record her and one day play that recording
back for her children. So that they can hear how ridiculous mommy used to
sound. I fully intend to follow through on that threat. As a side note; if you
are over 30 and you do use words like “totes” and “legit.” Please stop. You
sound like a dumbass.
Why 30 Sucks: You ARE the old people in the bar
In
my late teens and early 20’s (what? I had a fake ID. Arrest me.) my friends and
I would go to the bar and be completely bummed if it was full of “old people.”
It was always a group of 30 somethings drinking, dancing and being loud. We
would leave and go somewhere with a younger crowd. I really don’t know why,
maybe we thought that “old” was contagious.
Why 30 Rocks: You ARE the old people in the bar
Now
that I look back on it, I realize that the “old people” were having so much
more fun than us! Drinking? Dancing? Being loud? Yes, please. Now that I am 30,
I’m not too cool to have fun anymore.
I’m with my friends and having a blast – I don’t care how I look. I’m not spending
the whole night being self conscious, wondering if my hair and makeup are still
perfect, waiting in stupid long bathroom lines just to check and see if my hair
and makeup are still perfect. I don’t care. Hell, my hair is probably thrown up
in a messy bun, and my makeup is likely either yesterday’s or nonexistent. And
it is so much better that way!
Why 30 Sucks: Your shit starts falling apart
For
real. In the past year and a half, I have: Been under the care of a neurologist
for unidentifiable, sudden and debilitating headaches. Had a miscarriage. Had
my ulcers flare up. Gotten a hemorrhoid, for no apparent reason. Bled, for 6
straight weeks. Had emergency hernia surgery. Had a Pap come back with abnormal
cells. And somehow damaged my rotator cuff. 30 has not been my best year, and
it seems to be similar for a lot of others.
Why 30 Rocks: You start to appreciate the shit that’s not
falling apart
I essentially survived on
Diet Coke and Newports during most of my teens and 20s. I ate very little, and
when I did it was junk. I was constantly working, partying, going, and doing. I
never stopped for, oh, I don’t know, sleep! And I felt fine, so there was no
reason to stop. Until suddenly I didn’t feel fine and there was a reason. I’ve
since started taking better care of myself. I eat, regularly and healthy. I
actually sleep. I exercise. And you know what? I don’t just feel fine anymore.
I feel better, good, and even fabulous sometimes. As long as I’m not in the
middle of my shit falling apart. And not only do I actually feel good, I
acknowledge it, appreciate it, and work to keep it that way.
Why 30 Sucks: You have a bedtime
Before 30 I could function
just fine on a regular 3 or 4 hour a night sleeping schedule. No problem. Since
30; no fucking chance. If I don’t get at least 6 hours I pay dearly for it the
next day. And so does everyone else lucky enough to be in my general vicinity.
And if you want me awake and alert any later than 11 pm, there had better be something
super fucking exciting going on, and I had better have taken a nap that afternoon.
Why 30 Rocks: You have a bedtime
When
I was younger, it did not matter how tired I was when I hit the pillow, I would
toss and turn for hours before falling asleep. And even then I’d get up a
handful of times throughout the night. Now? I’m out within minutes of hitting
the pillow. And I stay out! I don’t care if it is because I’m fucking old – it’s awesome. And, I’m old enough to
use the “oh, that’s too late for me” excuse to get me out of doing shit I don’t
want to do. Past my bedtime, bitches!
Why 30 Sucks: You didn’t have instant access to music
We
had to go to an actual store and buy a cassette tape when it came out. Or, we
had to sit by our boom box all day, listening to the radio, waiting for that
song to come on. Then record it and hope the DJ didn’t fuck it all up by
talking over the ending. We had to rewind said tape when we wanted to listen to
it again. We didn’t get to click something on a screen and own the song
immediately. We couldn’t carry thousands of songs with us wherever we went,
only as many tapes as we could fit into a bag that we had to lug around with
our walkman. Such bullshit!
Why 30 Rocks: You had ACTUAL MUSIC
That
song we sat by the radio waiting to record? It was worth waiting for. It wasn’t
garbage. Y’all can keep your Bieber and your One Direction shit. I’m pretty
sure we win this one.
Why 30 Sucks: You had to grow up without Google,
smartphones, or social media
We had to look shit up if we
wanted to know it. In a library that we had to physically go to. In an actual
book that we had to find via use of the ever frustrating card catalogue. Now,
you can just whip out your phone and Google that shit. And if we wanted to know
where people were, what they were doing, or what was going on in the world? We
had to actually go out into the world, and make actual contact with actual
people. We got fucking robbed.
Why 30 Rocks: You got to grow up without Google,
smartphones, or social media
1. We have brains. We know how
to use them. We can figure shit out.
2. We weren’t ALWAYS connected; it was way easier to get away with stuff. 3. We
got to do all of our stupid shit before it could be instantly captured by pic
or video and immediately uploaded to Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and/or Instagram
to be forever immortalized on the internets. Forever. We did our dumb shit, and
now it’s done and gone and you likely can’t prove it was us. Again – we win!
30 sucks you guys, but it’s
pretty fucking awesome, too!
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