Thursday, October 17, 2013


So I know we’ve all heard the expression, or some form of it, and we’ve all got our opinions on it. Here’s mine.

First and foremost, I hate that fucking word. Slut. I could write an entire post, or 2, about that word. I may just do that, but this post is about Halloween. So we will just touch on it here and move on. 

Slutty Skeleton. Slutty Nurse. Slutty Pirate. Slutty Bumblebee. All of these costumes are available on every shelf in every store right now. Of course, the package says “Naughty” or “Sexy”, but the people? The masses? They say “Slutty.” That’s where Slutoween came from. Not the stores; the people. Seriously – knock that shit off. Wearing a short skirt and high heels doesn’t make someone a slut on a fucking Tuesday afternoon, let alone on Halloween! So, we’re going to call it “Sexy” from this point on and we’re going to refrain from using the other S word lest I start breaking shit, K? K.

Now, everything I’m about to write about does not apply to our little wee ones, or even to our not so little wee ones. Kids, tweens, teenagers, just no. If you are not old enough to get into the Halloween party at the bar, cover your shit up please. You can be hot, badass, and even awesome without being any form of exposed. I promise.

But for the rest of us, grown women, I am ALL in favor of Slutoween. Yep, I said it – ALL IN FAVOR. I love Halloween. Partly because every other day of the year I am Tim Burton obsessed, drawn to all things dark and creepy and completely in love with skulls, so I get to surround myself with all of these things and not be considered weird for a whole month. But I also – and most especially – love Halloween because it’s the one day a year that we are supposed to be someone else. Not in a “I don’t like who I am” kind of way, but in a fun, grown up pretend, “I don’t have the balls or the appropriate forum to do this shit at any other time” kind of way.  We get to play dress up, we get to let our creativity reign, and we get to pretend! And it is so much fun! Now you don’t have to make it sexy – you can make it funny, scary, crazy over the top, gross or flat out weird. Some of us like to make it sexy. Some people are skilled enough to make it all of those things. The point is not the sexy. The point is the participation, the actually doing something and enjoying yourself. The point is the fun. I love my hooker boots, my short skirts and my dark makeup. I am a nanny and a mama. Those things don’t fit. So the boots and the skirts and the makeup stay in the closet 364 days out of the year. But on Halloween – they can come out! I don’t have to be me. I can go ALL OUT. I can wear the shortest skirt with the highest heels and the darkest makeup. And its OKAY. Because I am an adult, I am at a costume party, and I can. That chick over there wants to pick on me for it? Go ahead honey, hate all you want. She’s likely sitting there in jeans and a hoodie, using the S word and being all bitter. I’m enjoying myself. She is afraid to dress up, afraid that people will treat her the way she’s treating me, and more than likely wishing she be having as much fun as I am. She could, and she should. Get that stick out of your ass and come to the darkside sweetie. We really do have cookies.
            I do have a few exceptions to my positive "yay lets all dress up” attitude though.

First, have some creativity, dude, for real. 

Every year, every party and bar are just crawling with girls running around in their undies and cat ears all “tee hee, I’m a cat.” No.  No you’re not. Neither are the ones with the bunny ears acceptable bunnies, or the ones with the wings even remotely believable angels. Ladies listen; Its not about being as naked as possible. Have fun, step out of your comfort zone, wear some shit you wouldn’t normally wear, yes, but have some fucking creativity! Donning a headband and a pair of wings with your bra and bootie shorts does not a bumblebee make. Uh uh. Nope. Boring. Give me some effort, girls! I know you’ve got it in you! Use your imagination. Be outrageous, be over the top. Makeup, body paint, feathers, glitter, give me something for gods sake. Its Halloween! Don’t look like everyone else, it defeats the purpose.

And then there are these. 


Not okay guys. Not Okay. Winnie the Pooh? Mickey Mouse? These should never be sexy. Ever. Make the nurse sexy – go ahead. The Vampire? Sure. Auto Mechanic? Baker? Hell, I don’t care, do it up! But beloved childhood characters? Uh, no. I can just hear the little voices now “Mommy, why is Pooh Bear’s butt hanging out?” or “Daddy, why are you staring at Mickey’s boobies?” These are just creepy, and not the good, Halloween kinda creepy, just flat out fucking creepy. By the way, I found these at Yandy in the costume section, just in case you wanted to take part in ruining my childhood too. You can also find everything you need there to complete your Sexy Carrot, Sexy Killer Whale and Sexy Box of Crayons costumes. And no, Im not even kidding.

So seriously – come out and play this Halloween. Be as sexy (or as gross, funny or amazing) as you want to. Just don’t be boring, or lazy. Or disgrace my favorite childhood bedtime story.  And if you don’t want to play; that’s fine, be a stick in the mud (Hey – there’s a costume idea for you), just don’t pick on us because we’re having fun!

Happy Halloween y’all!

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