Monday, October 7, 2013

Kick Monday in the Lady Parts

Everyone hates Monday. And though I haven’t asked it personally, I’m pretty sure Monday hates us right back. No one is exempt from its evil clutches. I don’t care what you’re work schedule is, you’re sleep schedule, your kid schedule. Doesn’t matter. Monday sucks. Monday provides endless fodder for the meme makers. There is no doubt that you’re facebook and twitter feeds were overrun this morning with everyone declaring their hatred for yet another Monday. We all hate it. We identify with each other about hating it. We laugh about the clever illustrations that state our hatred of it. Then we resume being miserable about it until it’s finally over and we can put the wretched bitch to bed. Until next week, when we will do it all over again.


Because it comes back. EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. WEEK. Its waiting, right there at the beginning, to suck the life right out of us. Well, I say it’s time to put a stop to it. It’s time to stop letting Monday win. I say, we start making a joint, concentrated effort to Kick Monday in the Lady Parts! As a side note; I started this concept with Kick Monday in the Balls, but for some reason, it just didn’t sit right with me. I mulled it over for a while this morning before I finally figured it out. You see, in order for Monday to have balls to kick, it would have to be a man. And that’s just not accurate. Monday does not make me hate it in the passive-aggressive-whatever-babe-frustrating-as-all-hell ways of a man.  Nooooooo. Monday makes me hate it in the much more in-your-face-and-down-your-throat-you-can’t-fucking-ignore-me ways of one pissed off bitch. And she is an evil, evil bitch. Someone done pissed her off somewhere down the line and, in true angry woman done wrong fashion, she’s gonna make us all pay for it.
So, I refuse. I simply refuse to start every single week miserable because Monday says I have to. I refuse to let the bitch win anymore. I have devised a plan that will allow us all to Kick Monday in the Lady Parts (KMLP). It’s a 2 step plan but it’s really rather simple; you just have to do it.

Step 1: Be grateful

I know, I know, but really. Gratitude is like the anti Monday. Try it. Pick one thing, one personal, crappy Monday thing, and focus on it positively, instead of focusing on how Monday sucks ass. Is the worst part of your Monday returning to work after your weekend off? Be grateful that you have a job to return to, and for all of the things that the income from that job provides. Does it feel uber impossible to crawl out of bed when that damned alarm clock goes off Monday mornings? Be grateful that you have such an amazing bed, and grateful that you get to crawl back into it tonight when you’re done kicking Monday’s ass. Is Monday Laundry day? Focus on how damn lucky you and yours are to have enough clothes to make up a load, and that they keep you warm in the winter and cool in the summer. This is a pretty simple thing you guys, but it’s really pretty profound. Shift your focus off of your woes and onto your wows (I just made that up, I kinda like it!). Really immerse yourself into how it would feel to not have that job, that bed, those nice things. Try to empathize with someone in a position less fortunate than your own. I don’t care how bad off you are, or how much worse it seems at the ass crack of another Monday dawn, there are those who have plenty less to be thankful for, and there is something that you are one lucky son of a bitch to have or be able to do. Even if some weeks its only that your able to face another Monday dawn, its more than some have been gifted with, right? Actively focus. Shift your focus to the positive, I promise, it works.

Step 2: Take back Monday

Decide to give yourself some sort of something today, and every Monday that follows. Make Monday something to look forward to. It can be the same thing or a different thing every week; it doesn’t matter, just as long as it’s something and you actually DO IT! No matter how small or silly, do something nice for yourself, because you deserve. And because fuck you Monday.

Do something good for you, because you know you’ll feel better for it

  • Don’t cheat your diet (don’t let that bitch win and make you slip when you’ve been working so hard!) 
  • Drink all 8 glasses of water that you know you’re supposed to. Sure, you’ll pee a lot, but you know you’ll feel better
  • Do as many squats as you can. Or sit ups. Or whatever it is to get you started on fixing whatever part of you you’re less than thrilled abut 
  • Go to bed early
  • Have sex. Random Monday sex is good, and unexpected. But seriously, wear a condom

Or, do something bad for you, because you know you’ll feel better for it

  • Cheat your diet (Because fuck you, Monday! I want a cupcake)
  •  Have a drink and really enjoy it. Unless you’re working on your sobriety. In which case a) You Fucking Rock and b) don’t have a drink today
  • Buy yourself something that you don’t really need. I’m talking a new lipstick or a fancy coffee here, don’t go crazy or the buyers regret will make Tuesday suck and that’s just counterproductive!

Do something just for you
  • Turn off the damn phone. And the computer, the tv, the laptop, the tablet. All of it. Take a few minutes to clear out all the noise
  • Take a bubble bath
  • Take a walk
  • Lock yourself in your bedroom and read a book
  • Whatever YOU enjoy, for just you, carve a few minutes out of Mondays hateful face and DO IT

       That’s it. 2 steps, pretty simple. But I am confident in the fact that it will take Monday down. So join me, and please tell me the 2 ways that you’re going to KMLP. Tell me here, tell me on my facebook page. Or don’t tell me, and keep it to your damn self. But DO IT!

Now get out there y’all and KMLP!

1 comment:

  1. Turn off computer, gave me a heart attack :( lol. Great idea, i love monday, the kids 3 of 5 anyway go to school! And i take a shower all bymyself to wash away the weekend funk.